30th Birthday bonanza

Mine and Stink Rich’s Birthday was an absolute blast!!

Pirate Soundsystem, Tom Oke, Jools MF and Baby Clyde all rocked out big time and played fantastic sets-big thanks to them!

Cheers to everyone who came and made it such an ace and stress free night.

Being a Christmas baby sucks ass and was a bit dubious about having a party but all went very well.
Last people left my house at 2pm this afternoon. Ouch!

Click on the birthday gal and boy for the rather messy pictures

I need to go and lie down in a dark room for a few days……



Never won a thing in my days but on last Saturdays (16 Dec) Horse Meat Disco's Vogue Ball - ‘Vauxhall Is Gurning’ I won the John Waters homage category!! Eeeep!

(The Ball is based on the film Paris is Burning where various ‘Houses’ walk down the runway and do their thing in different categories. Madonna pinched Voguing from it.)

I did Divine in Pink Flamingos (though would have liked to have done Connie Marble but couldn’t find a green suit) and referenced certain parts of the film. Kind of obvious really but I love Mr Glen Milstead and have never done a Divine look on purpose before.

After walking down the stairs and slipping over which turned it into a bit of a crawl (well you have to make the most of these situations) I then pulled out some meat (which was actually a cows luing-eww) from my knickers and threw it out to the crowd (“I warmed it up today, in my own little oven“), then chucked an egg on to the stage (“So many little eggies, and I'm still starving“) and finally the last scene from the film, brought out a toy dog which had its arse filled with Nutella and proceeded to eat its ‘poop’.
I was running around backstage so missed the whole 'egg on stage must be cleared up as it's an obstruction' palaver. My apologies to those who had to clear it up but I am an artist. Ha!

No trip to Hawaii or toaster as a prize but have got myself a nice little trophy which I’m rather chuffed about.

My photos are here though I didn’t take many. There were some great looks on show. Some shockers too.
Also pics from Fridays Xxxmas Bump which was good clean fun. (Above photo by Mathew Brindle)

Went and saw the fabulous and beautiful genius that is Patrick Wolf last night with my very good mate Rich in Union Chapel in Islington. Simply sublime.
He’s a very lovely and sweet guy and so talented it makes me want to vomit!!! First time I met him, we sat on a wall while I screamed “I’m a casserole” at people going past. Well that’s what he told me after. I was in a bit of a state…

It’s a shame he doesn’t get more mainstream exposure as he’s far better than most of a lot of singer writer dwaddle out there. He writes songs to fall in love to and will break your heart.

For some reason, Rich and I ended up at Don’t Call Me Babe at Ghetto to say hello to Dusty and Lloyd who were doing the grotto. Screaming Meatloaf and Cher’s ‘Dead ringer for love’ at each other was quite hilarious!
Typical, I take a straight man to a gay club and he cops off with a very hot young lady-sheesh!!

I’m doing a turn at Fannyshack’s Christmas do tomorrow. Did have a very funny and silly piece arranged but the person who was going to do it with me can’t so looks like I’ll be doing Two Magdalene Fuckers to plug the new Trannyshack album (Greatest Tits Part 1) instead.

Ryan Styles is also on the bill (god that boy is fantastic) and the Trannyshack girls will be doing a live version of Tranny Christmas which has one of the best final line of any song “Shag a Tranny, Up the arse cos she’s got no fanny”.

Well not if you’re a Tranny with a Fanny like me but that’s a whole different kettle of cuttlefish.

See the video here

And finally, Christmas is descending upon us again and another birthday for me a mere three days after.
I will be (cough) 30.

It’s no big deal but reaching the end of my 30s is like an end of innocence and youth. It does not mean I’ll be starting to think about settling down and wearing sensible clothes, fuck no. I’ll leave that to the breeders thanks.

I’ve done quite a lot with my short time on this planet and have a lot more to do. Oh yes yes oh yey.

Tourist in London

I’ve been quiet lately, have been ill and all sorts.
Have had a cold up and down for ages and wasn’t recovering properly in-between and ended up collapsing and in hospital with a nasty throat infection. Very nasty-felt bloody awful.
Went to the ‘rents for a bit to recuperate which took a lot longer than I thought but finally back on track.

Door whored at a party last week (the Status Quo tribute had the best band name in the world ever; “Quo-Caine”. Genius) and have DJed a few times recently which has been quite good. Finally getting some decks soon (albeit CD ones-can’t really afford vinyl these days and it’s a bitch to carry around) to get good as my mixing skills have a lot to be desired.

This weekend was hard work. Had my Mother in London for the past three days and as much as I love her, glad she’s gone back home.

Stayed at a nice hotel in Canary Warf-she had some Tesco vouchers or something. (My goodness that area has such a weird atmosphere)
Did the Big Wheel Eye thing (Nice clear day so could see for miles)
Bus Tour (Really not worth the money)
River Cruise (the guide slagged off the Tate and modern art in general. When they he held out a box at the end lamely asking for tips he got nowt from me. Silly man)
Popped in the National Portrait Gallery and the Tate Modern
Tower of London (Cool. Made me feel a little proud to be British. We‘ve some cracking history that I know frig all about. Crown Jewels not that impressive though. Needs more sparkle)
Mum is a bit musical mad and wanted to see Wicked or Sound of Music but couldn’t get tickets so saw The Producers (pretty good) and Chicago (better for different reasons. Though the girl playing Velma wasn’t very ‘sexy’ and to me Velma should be all sass and sex).

Ace to be a tourist in the place you live-you temporarily see it differently although it’s all familiar.
I'd thoroughly recommend it.

The Trannyshack album should be out soon (directed and concepted the video myself, not seen the final cut yet) and I am going to be (cough) 30 on December 28th.

Have never been bothered about it until the last few months, especially as I have mates who are in their early twenties.
There seems to come some kind of adult grown up thing that comes with turning 30, as if your childish and days of being a carefree should be over and people view you in a different way.


I have no dependents, no steady partner, no savings, no security, nowhere to call home and no intention of growing up soon.
Age ain’t nothing but a number.

I might be dressing as a lady my birthday (having a joint party with my good buddy Stinkin Rich who is a mere two days younger than me which has been a bit of a head fuck to organise) but it’s not a sign that I’ll be starting to think about buying property or wearing sensible clothes.
Naaaaah. I’ll leave that to the breaders.

(More recent photos)

Turkey, St Martinis and Performance (daaaahlink)

Uh huh kitty cats-me again (and a long one it is too!)

Turkey-what a jaunt that was. Flew over quite late and arrived at the resort about 6 in the morning. Club Med just outside Bodrum. Had my own room which was next door to Guy Monkhouse and spent most of the holiday knocking around with him.
Next day was spent by the pool and drinking pina coladas before the show and getting stuck into the free bar. Great food-just a ridiculous amount and a different theme for dinner every night.

Carl from the company asked me if I was ready for my show the Tuesday which I wasn’t prepared and had no idea I was supposed to be doing (apparently an Israeli lady who has done Eurovision cancelled so I was filling in).
Luckily had an emergency CD with me so did a few of my more popish numbers. Seemed to go ok.
(Poor Baylen!)
Before the show I was prepping my wig in the dressing room surrounded by male porn stars fluffing/wanking themselves for their show which was after mine which was frankly a bit of a farce (“ooh look we have willies“. And that was pretty much it).

Had cabin fever by Wednesday so had to get out of the resort so took a trip into town on my own for a gander. Very touristy - a bit like an upmarket Turkish Blackpool. Lots of shops selling the same tat but quite enjoyed it. Back to the resort and finally someone found out where all the drugs were-things kind of went a bit silly.
I went to Turkey with an ear infection and then got a stinking cold so didn’t drink much of the free booze (ridiculous-apparently we drank more booze in 5 days with a third of the resort full than a full resort drinks in six weeks. Don’t give the gays a free bar!!)

Had intended going snorkelling and a bit of archery but felt like poo so spent a lot of the time by the pool or swimming in the sea on the resorts private beach.

Did drag again with the DJs who were there (Wayne G, Stewart Who, Daz Saund, Diddy, Paul Heron, Mikey D, David Cross, Max Moser, Cliff from QX and Megan from Orange. Did Paul's makeup which I think looks quite dashing.
Lovie (friend of Rod from Crash/Area) put on an ace show and entertained everyone while we all trundled down to the beach and put our feet in the sea at stupid o’clock in the morning.

Each night was a different club night(Crash, Anthem, Megawoof, White Party) and I don’t mind pumping house (though I prefer my electro) but by the end of the week I was desperate for some pop trash and begged for some Girls Aloud.

Last day there was a trip on a boat which was a good laugh. Disco onboard and everyone boozing. We pulled into a little bay and everyone jumped off like lemmings. My baps popped out when I jumped off (luckily nobody saw that.) Felt quite hedonistic, like we were rich Europeans, boozing and waving at all the other boats. (Thats me in the middle of the water.)

Final night was spent sat around the pool once the party had finished with some of the porn stars and an old Italian queen (who had an outfit for every single occasion who I called Queenie) he had all the K and we danced around to Don from the Pirate Soundsystems Pirate mix on my phone. Fabulous.

Going home was a bit depressing (as always). Didn’t get a tan, didn’t go on any of the excursions (they were quite expensive) and didn’t get laid (was one of only three lady lady lovers in the resort).
One of the porn boys (Dairylee) shagged all the fag hags-even offered me a night of passion if I fancied not being queer for the night. Politely declined.
Face like a welders bench and went around boasting that he never used rubbers. The boy is probably riddled.

Met some amazing people (hope to keep in contact with some of them) and had a fantastic time. Received no money for it but was worth it for a free inclusive holiday. I hope to be doing it again next year and I really can’t recommend it enough. Even some of the straight boys said they’d had a great time and would go on a gay holiday again. www.alternative-holidays.com

Started the Fine Art Masters at St Martins upon returning. There was a lengthy debate about the Cerith Wyn Evans show at the ICA which I thought was a fairly large pretentious pile of poop.
If you hadn’t read the accompanying text then the whole thing didn’t really make much sense (a lot of people walked into the main room and simply waked out again not knowing that the ‘art’ was the fact he had removed the bricks separating the gallery from the outside wall so that you could see The Mall) The blinds opening and closing in morse was the only thing that I found interesting.

There is certainly a place for such work but I’m fed up of pretension and elitist snobbery in art in that you have to understand it to appreciate it.
I’m all for bringing pop back to art that is accessible to all and that anyone from any background, education or culture can value on some level.

Did my performance art piece ‘Unbearabollocks’ at Studio Neon in Shoreditch (which is an utter contradiction of what I've just said above!)

Me in drag, slave with a dog collar and chain. Placed him on the floor and proceeded to put clothes pegs on his bollocks to a soundtrack of some of the worse novelty songs in the western world (Birdy Song, Agadoo, Achy Breaky Heart, Saturday Night, Chirpy chirpy cheap cheap, Cheeky Girls (which I secretly quite like-its fucking hilarious). Whipped and threw the pegs off into the crowd, wrote ‘Holestar woz ere’ on his chest in lipstick and made him dance around for me. Bow. (Still waiting on the pics).

The idea was an aural and visual humorous amalgamation of annoyance and displeasure. What is harder to deal with? What you are hearing or seeing? People were crossing and uncrossing their legs and moaning as each new track came on so my mission was fulfilled. Some people got the joke-some didn’t. I enjoyed it.

Met the amazingly creative and talented Jonny Woo there. We got chatting and he invited me to join him onstage for Nude at Ministry of Sound.

Sunday went to Bloggers Delight at the Lock Tavern in Camden to see my Pirate boys spin. South Central were particularly impressive (tore up SebastiAns ‘Walkman’) as was Sinden until he went all RnB slow jamish
Met Duke Dumont (one to watch fo sho, great DJ and producer) and his mate Gem and we discussed trustafarian (Nathan) Barleys who roam Hoxton.

Rich, Tom and I had a sneaky spliff and went for a hilarious drink in a rockabilly pub which was quite surreal with Rich ranting on about JayZ and all sorts.

Was invited by Guy to the Candy Bars 10th anniversary party which was a good laugh and drank way too many free cocktails. Some proper munters in there. I still find it bemusing that a lot of dykes hang out in packs. Went to Shadow Lounge after and met the lovely Minty and sang songs from Cabaret with Aubrey.

Met a lady I met on the internet (desperate times call for desperate measures) who seems to be ok with the whole Dominatrix/Drag thing. Had an odd stalker guy who kept trying to talk to me the whole time we were in the pub until I politely told him to fuck off.
Could be dangerous as she’s the slightly blonde version of me. We’ll see how it goes.

Saw my specialist (for the dreaded Hyper Mobility Syndrome). Didn’t tell me anything new but will recommend me to see some other specialist and physio to help with the pain.

Went to a casting (in my fabulous sequined ‘make friend with everyone’ jacket) in Kentish Town for an extras and small parts in TV and films company. Not expecting much but could be interesting research for the Masters to see how things are run from behind the scenes.

Did a photo shoot with the lovely Paul Morgan for club kidz magazine Gazelland in New York. They wanted me naked but was having none of it (wouldn’t want to subject anyone to that) so got away with big makeup, huge new wig I knocked up and a shoulder length glove covering my baps shot from the waist up.
Great shots and I hope I don’t end up looking like a huge heffer in it.

Finished late and went to my new lady friends place for dinner and Mighty Boosh.

That night was the Nude shows. Arrived at 11 but the first show wasn’t on until 2 so spent a long time backstage in a hot room with very little booze. Met the wonderful Empress Stah and in the show was me, Jonny, Ryan Styles, Booby Tuesday, Chicken, Xtina and Jody Harsh (plus two dancers whose names escape me).

First show was Stepford Wives. Jonny went on in a Gorilla outfit, girl came on and poured a line of washing powder onstage, I came on and hovered it up with a fully functioning Henry hoover. Jody sprayed hairspray and we all pretended to be high and shimmied around.

Second show was Hospital Drama. Ryan in a wheelchair, Jonny wrapped up in sequins, boy dancer had heart attack at sight of Jodie, I ran on as a nurse and resuscitated. Booby and I did a faux lesbos thing, girl had baby onstage which we kicked around after. Ryan pulled out his hair while I douched the crowd.

Third show I wasn’t part of (didn’t have anything in white) but watched from the balcony. Jodie came out and had a snooze. Xtina, Jonny and Ryan came on and had a pillow fight which looked absolutely stunning and peaked at the right time with the music.

Finale was a catwalk show with Jonny MCing us all as we came on. Terry Hart stood at the side and we all had a snort of poppers before going on. I wore my strap on but it kept falling off so just danced around the pole with Booby a bit.

Knackering but really really enjoyed myself and very happy to work with such talented people.

My younger and only sister is got married in Mauritius on Tuesday. I’m obviously not there as I can’t afford a couple of grand to go and not my ideal kind of holiday. Prefer a bit of an adventure.
We’ve never really got on and she looks down on me and what I do as I’ve always led shall we say an alternative lifestyle. One Christmas at the parents place, I was trying to chit chat and shoot the shit with her. When I asked her why she was ignoring me she replied with “I don’t speak to people I don’t like”. Charming eh?
Regardless of our differences, I do wish her all the best for the future. Hope they start breeding soon as I want to be an Auntie. Don’t want any of the little fuckers myself (I have put an ASBO on my womb) but really want to be an eccentric Aunt who can hand them back when I’ve had enough.

Did my first lip synch show ever at the Trannyshack first birthday do at Too2Much last night to The Gossip-Standing in the way of control (Soulwax Edit) with a blow up doll, a butt plug, tampon and some anal bead things. Seemed to go down ok.

Coming up - shooting my video for ‘Two Magdalene Fuckers’ and another Oxjam at 93 Feet East.
Shame I’m getting no dollar dollar bills for any of this but its good to be busy and doing what I love.

Next week I’m DJing at Club Myra at Trash Palace which should be a larf (first time since Vienna) and hopefully at Kashpoint Express in the next few weeks too.

It’s all go baby go go.


Slightly disturbing

Just leaned out my window to have a sneaky fag and saw four kids outside my house, the eldest probably 12, youngest 8 passing a screwdriver and a huge blade between each other.
I thought that kind of thing was invented by the Daily (Cunty) Mail to scare middle class suburbanites.
I blame terrestrial TV for exchanging Saturday morning TV with wank arsed cook shows with hob goblins like Anthony Worrall Thompson.

All You Can Eat at Electrowerkz with the Pirate Soundsystem was good fun but the room we were in had a pretty crapy sound system.
Friday me and the scampy Pirate boys and I did a slot at Kashpoints new residency at The Eve Club (nice venue, expensive booze) which was major fun! We had a pretty filled dance floor throughout while I ran around singing/screaming for people to get their tits out and such like.
Probably best Kashpoint I’ve been to. Some snooty fuckers (I’ve never quite got that ‘I‘ve took ages creating my look so I‘m going to act like a rude cunt’ attitude) but generally a great atmosphere and the kids were having it large.

Just got in from Bastard at 93 Feet East which was a pleasure as always. Went to Ted’s birthday shin dig before, was nice to catch up with guys from my old college. Especially Arthur (fucking loon!) and my boy Paul (it’s been too long Plews as well you know!!)

Off to Turkey tomorrow for the big gay fest. Should be a right hootenanny. Will do my best to try and track down any females in the resort and see if I can get my wicked way with them. Yeah-like that’s going to happen (insert rolly eye smiley).

A few people have mentioned in caution the recent bombings in Istanbul but I’m probably more likely to be bombed here in London. Not going to live in fear and all that.

If there is something on the news about Club Med in Bodrum tell Vienna it meant nothing to me (see Midge Ure), my Mum to give my videos from her attic to The Cats Protection Legue and that I want Bizarre Inc-Playing with Knives (Quadrant Mix) played at my funeral and to those that I love “Je Ne Regrette Rien”.

Hosça kalin

Patterned tights...

are just wrong. Unless they're fishnets.

I love being a Dominatrix. It really is a lot of fun (would be more so if I didn’t have to deal with the time wasters). Everyone in my life knows what I do and it’s not something that I have become jaded with. Yet.

Saw a lovely old chap today where I dressed him as a school girl and beat him with a plimsoll. Sweet.

I often get sent requests from slaves who want to be my house boy. I don’t want them in my vanilla life and prefer to keep that world separate.
Here’s a rather amusing one from a young Turkish boy.
I’m going there next week so should hunt him down. Yes thats going to happen.

I, 25, years old, nice, one, young, male, slave, I am sitting down turkey I,
machine, technician work, Your, *Web, page, visit, and, me, a lot of,
influence, All, life, your, slave, toilet, and, prostitute, Become, only,
for_you, work, spend, want, For this , what must I do?I am serious in this
subject I do for you in the prostitution Young, and, beautifull, I will in
the joint send my picture I accept your all rules Beg, me, all, one, life,
Slave, dog, toilet, become, honour, present

Not a bad arse for a Tranny but he could have taken the labels off the soles. Fsss

Love London

Ooh fuck me silly. I get all excited about blogging then dry up again. Lazy fucker that I am. Ok, here’s a run down on what I’ve been up to of late. Because its all about me of course.

Pirate went well up to a point until lots of things went wrong within 10 Minutes. Few dramas we could have done without but had a good booze and boogie after. There will be another one soon. Its going to be huge!!!

Following night went to TDK at Kings Cross which was rather disappointing considering how much cash I spent. Spankrock and Ladytron were good but suffered due to a shit sound system. Atrack great but Simian Mobile Disco tore it up for me-aces. The funky house terrace reminded me how much I hate that genre now and the kind of people it attracts. Vacuous dull folk who are more concerned about looking good and being cool than having a good time. Cack.

Did a number at Trannyshock which is always fun. Happy that the girls there have seemed to accept me and what I do (well the talented lovely ones have. The talent free munters hate me but I don’t give a crap.)
Glendora and I were saying that I’m the ‘Tranny with a Fanny’. Quite like that one.

Hosted Tate Moss in a warehouse near Stratford which was bonkers in a good way. Impressed with Rowdy Superstar, Kat Scratch and Jo Apps. The fabulous and wonderful Patrick Wolf span Black Lace and Whigfield and got me in a right old state. Apparently I was sat on the wall outside screaming that I was a casserole to everyone walking past?! Looking forward top to the next one.

Ended up on the judging panel for Popjustice Pop Tune of the Year at Trash Palace. Unfortunately Hot Chip- Over and Over was being knocked out as I arrived (my fault for being late). Girls Aloud-Biology won in the end (rightly so). Went to Ghetto with Rich and Tom afterwards where we boogied and drank way too much.

Popped to Studio Neon the next day which was fun but way too hot in there. Next day went to see the parents in Hereford. I wanted to do things instead of just sitting in front of the TV so we went fishing (caught nothing but quite enjoyed it-how butch), lunch in Symonds Yat (or Simons Yacht as I like to call it) a walk I the woods (well a roll for my Dad who is wheelchair bound) and a sauna and swim with my Mum. Really enjoyed it despite getting a cold. Always happens when I go to the olds.

Back to London and I went to a fashion party thing at Chinawhites. Clientele largely rich trust fund kids with no style or manners. Was ok but the coked DJ was playing the dreaded funky house so we moved onto Trannyshack. I said to virtually everyone I passed ‘Eeerr you, I’m bringing sexy back’ in a deep Lancashire accent. Where all this eccentricity and bollocks comes from I have no idea.

Fabric on Friday was excellent. Went early to see Duke Dumont (top stuff, one to watch and all that) and danced my arse off a bit too much so early so did my back in a bit. Alan Braxe was ok until he played Stardust and fading down for the chorus. Mmm.
Caught back end of Diplo’s set which was good but it seemed plain wrong to have him in the small room instead of one of the larger ones.
Justice were the highlight of the night and as Rich rightly said ‘Ridiculous‘. Each track getting better and better and they played my favourite tune of the year so far, the Soulwax mix of Robbie Williams - Lovelight (Ravelight Dub). So. So. Good. Need a clean copy.

After little sleep, went to It Came From the Sea at Bardins Boudoir which was ok but its so humid in there with no ventilation and a sucky sound system. Tom, Rich and I were still feeling rough from the previous night but I still ended going back to Jools’ place where there was a party. Had a bit of a mix on the decks, chatted in the kitchen and finally got home about 9. Twat.

Got a pretty busy week coming. Have a few ‘jobs’, having my barnet seen to (they can do what they want to it. I’m going to shave it all off when I loose weight. I said when), enrolling at St Martins for my Fine Art Masters (Fine Art), photo shoot for the cover of New York magazine Gazelland and MC with the Pirate Soundsystem at All You Can Eat and Kashpoint again with the boys on Friday.
Bastard on Saturday and then flying to Bodrum in Turkey for Mistress of Ceremonies action at a gay holiday event (Alternative Holidays). Get a weeks all inclusive holiday so should be fun.

Oooh its all go!!
So glad I moved here.

Audio treats I’m loving at the moment

Robbie Williams - Lovelight (Soulwax Ravelight Dub)
Peaches - Downtown (Simian Mobile Disco Mix)
Sebastian - Ross Ross Ross
Daft Punk - Brainwasher (Erol Alkans Horrorhouse Dub)
Infadels - Love Like Semtex
Girls Aloud - Something Kinda Ooh
Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folk (Beyond the Wizards Sleeve Mix)
Sidney Looper - Rotting Radio Jamz

The Locksmith

I love being a dominatrix. You get to peer behind the bravado and machismo of the male ego at it’s most vulnerable.

I get many an odd email from prospective slaves/time wasters who can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy. Most are the usual ‘I want to grovel at your feet/lick your shoes/please beat me within an inch of my life with no mercy’ type.

This one has really made me smile

Thought you might like to know that I am a locksmith and offer UPVC door and window repair as well as a glazing service. If you ever fancy getting work done and not paying because the man doing it is a worm who lusts after you - then give me a call.

I would post the web address included but I don’t want people emailing and mocking the poor dear.
Shame he lives so far away. Never know when I might get locked out.

Why Don't You Just Switch Off Your Television Set And Go Out And Do Something Less Boring Instead

Children’s TV presenters are commonly known to have an over enthusiastic, keen, bright manner to keep the kids interested and sedated between shows.

Having not watched kids TV for a while, flicked it on to see what the yoof are watching (between knifing grannies, eating crisps and scowling) and was greeted by the most annoying sight and sound I’ve ever seen in kids presenter.

Anne Foy

She makes Timmy Mallet appear positively sombre.

I find myself hitting mute whence comes on, same with Kate “I find it really difficult to speak at a normal volume so will shout all the time just in case you can’t hear me at the back” Thornton.

Anne may be a very nice person (though I have a sneaky suspicion she annoyingly bounces around in that shrill hyper active manner all the time) but her presenting skills physically make me feel nauseous.
Most kids presenters eventually mature into light entertainment (Phillip Schofield, Lenny Henry, Cat Deeley, Andi ‘I fucked up the format of TOTP’ Peters etc etc) but I can’t currently see a future for this girl on prime time, hosting a reality show. I see her future in late night call in quiz shows on satellite.

Another thought of the day.

Karl Howman. He of Brush Strokes fame has done very little in acting since the glory days of the early nighties. ( imdb)
Now he lives for Flash adverts. Now I can understand the company wanting to use a character that the public were familiar with (his cheeky Jacko character in Brush Strokes) but it’s over 15 years since the show was last aired. I guess nobody has noticed.

Google said someone else has. Guardian article

Oh, and whoever invented Scrappy Doo (Scooby Doo's nephew) is a cunt.

I really should get out more.

Cocks, Singapore and Pirates

In the past two weeks I have;

Been on a casting for an ad shot by Rankin (didn’t get it, All the models were so twiggy it made Nicole Richie look like a porker.)

Been asked to do a cover of Joy Divisions ’Love will tear us apart’ in the style of Infernal’s ’From Paris to Berlin’. (Knowing that any shred of credibility I have will be shot to shit if I do this, I’ve decided not to.)

Recorded my track (E-Jitz - Two Magdelane Fuckers) for the Trannyshack album.

Attended a slave party and beat my previous record of putting 47 clothes pegs on a mans balls. I can now do 60 and probably more.

Smoked some hippy solids from a strange little pipe, danced to Huey Lewis and the News in a garage and seen the ghost of John Peel.

Been offered a three or six month contract to perform in Singapore at some swanky hotel. (Might do it for a month but any more would probably drive me crazy. I don't dig routine)

PRed my bum off for Pirate:All Hands on Decks which has now become Pirate: Surrender the Booty (don’t ask, just get down! It’s free and going to rawk!)

And been asked to cut a man’s willy off by a bloke from Switzerland

Hello Miss
Can you cut my penis with a knife till it will bleed so correctly (or castrate )?? I would travel and pay or work for you a longer time for that if you can do it that for me please, i hope to hear from you soon thanks !!
Greeting B*****

I'm thinking no.


Pirate : Surrender the Booty

Kick off the Bank Holiday weekend with a FREE yes FREE boom-bang-a-bang with Pirate : Surrender the Booty.

OldSkool Rave! Booty bass! Grime! Breaks! Shove it all through a pop music compressor and turn the speakers to 11. Pirate is a new breed of party - a million miles from ultra-fashionable, minimalist, take-you-on-a-journey clubnights - instead taking inspiration from oldskool warehouse raves, pogo-punk parties and yer mums dressing up box.
This time we bring you a line-up that smashes boundaries between oldskool, newskool and playskool.

Your aural entertainers for the night;

Pirate Soundsystem



Poj Masta



Hosted by


Pirate : Surrender the Booty

25 August 2006

Purple Turtle

61-65 Crowndale Road Camden London NW1 1TN

2000 till 0300


(Donations on the door welcome)

Did I mention it's FREE!!
214 Bus goes from Old Street

Venice, Cornwall and Trannyshock

Well that’s my summer holidays over. Just had two rather pleasant weekends away in Italy and Cornwall. Hardly jet setting I grant you but it’s as good as it gets for me at the moment.

First up, was booked for a gig near Udine, Italy (about 90k north of Venice) for the company Coco Song (new Italian sunglasses company) for a fashion show as singing MC.
Up at 4 to get a taxi (driver drove like my Mum; all over the place and hogged the middle lane on the motorway) to fly to Venice. Arrived fine and had to go to the other airport to pick up other people and wait for a few hours-painful.

Arrived at the very nice Hotel Clocchiatti (bed could have easily slept four and the bath was the deepest I’d ever seen.) and went for a trundle around Udine. Amazed that such a small and quiet town would have a Fendi, Gucci etc well it is Italy. I guess it’s like New Look to them.

Was picked up by one of the models to go to location, big ol Villa Caiselli in
Cortello (in a car he clearly didn’t know how to drive, shunted every time he changed gear). Nice to see Andy Anderson again. Absolutely stunning location. Lord knows how much it was costing them as there were international clients, string quartet, band, me, DJ and models, free booze and food all night etc.

Wasn’t told previously that I’d be sharing a stage with MC Spot. I think I’ve mentioned him before. Nice enough guy but his skills as an MC leave a lot to be desired and are rather dated. There are only so many times you can say ‘Yeah yeah yeah c’mon. Put your hands in tha air’and do the robot without a hint of irony. Yes THE robot. And apparently this has been his act for 10 years. Ach them Austrians with their keep to what we know rather than try anything new.

Had dinner with Andy and some of the models (all very sweet and cute but rather dizzy).
Show was ok considering it was a bit of a case of too many cooks and nobody really being clear on who was to what when. Not too pleased when I was asked to do a slowish thing and did Peggy Lee’s ‘Fever’ over some downbeat electro track and MC Spot jumped on behind me giving it the ‘yeah yeah yeahs’. Just not what I conjure up when I imagine a slick fashion show; a bald man in cut off trousers and a fun boy t-shirt shouting like a fish monger.

Took ages to get to the bar after so ended up ordering double caipirinhas and mojitos and had sleazy old pissed geezers trying it on. Shudder. Hung out for a while before getting the bus back to the hotel and watch ‘Sexy Italy’.

Hilarious show which is like a wank line, live on tele. The girl hosting was far from sexy and prancing around on the sofa getting her pink bits out. I liked that she was rather feisty with the pervs on the phone but painful to watch her rub her dry minge repeatedly. Owwwch.

Woke up late to the receptionist telling me the taxi was there to take me to Venice. Was dropped off at Mestre and spent a while trying to sort out a hotel that I could afford. Eventually found a decentish one with a shower in Compo Germia for €75 for two nights.

Went for a walk and my, Venice is really like nowhere else. After the initial wow factor, it all started to look similar (oh more canals, bridges and narrow streets) but tried to get lost and found things that nearly made me cry they were so beautiful.

Shopping wise, same masks and coloured glass in every other shop and very expensive Italian labels. So no Primark then.

The Basilica of San Marco is one of the most stunning houses of god (allegedly) I’ve seen. The Vatican has all the bling and gold but this place just blew me away. Dabbed some holy water behind my ears like perfume. Disgruntled a few Catholics but I’m sure God would have approved.

Spent a good few hours in the Museum of Erotic Art (well I would wouldn’t I?) Some great stuff, some meh stuff. Most impressive was Jacques Brissot . Surprised I’d never heard of him before. Stunning montages and use of robots and dolls.

Had one of those moments of chilled relaxed when I had my feet in a canal, drinking a mint flavoured slush puppy with a cigarette, watching rich tourists go by in gondolas while a street string quartet played ‘the hits’. Bliss.

Decided I wanted to eat something Venetian so had pasta and bean soup (nice) polenta and some fish thing (not so) and then for an ice cream while watching a band that was a bit rubbish but has the best stage gimmick I’ve seen and might have to adapt for myself.

Had 1am curfew at hotel (I know!! When I protested at first, was told there was bugger all to do after 11 and that the city goes to sleep then. They weren’t wrong.) so went back to the hotel for a snooze.

Monday started off pretty cloudy but decided to get out of the city as felt I’d covered most of the city previously. Got the lengthy water bus to Venice Lido to sit on the beach, paddle in the Adriatic and look at fit Italian girls boobs. I love sunglasses! Heh!

Took another trek to the lovely island of Burano. Beautiful and quiet little place with colourful houses, block mammas chilling out making lace all connected by cute bridges.

Back on bus to Murano where they make the glass. Bit disappointing so didn’t stay long. Returned to see the best dressed beggar I’ve ever seen outside my hotel. Cheeky twat had his own very swish looking kneeling pad, fine leather shoes and his sports wear by GAP.

Went out for dinner again and had a night walk around the Rialto bridge and St Marcos Square with another ice cream and got followed a bit by an Italian dude, until I spun around and stared at him square in the face.
Got the last bus back to the north of Venice (at 23.25) and found a bar near my hotel (€4.50 for a large beer) and got chatting to a nice couple from England of their honeymoon and a young girl from America. Unfortunately the bloody hotel curfew meant I had to leave when we were talking about drugs, insecure women and police raids.

Really enjoyed my little jaunt around Venice. Spent too much money but was worth it. Had fun on my own but not the kind of place I’d return to alone, would be better with a partner I guess.

Last weekend was down to Cornwall with the kids. Harry opened up her house to a bunch of randoms (her words) and friends. On the train down with Dan, Nikki and Amy, I was thrown off the train at Exeter for trying to get away with a dodgy ticket. Shit my pants good and proper but was luckily just told to buy another ticket from Exeter to Bodmin Parkway. Crime don’t pay kids.

Got down and had dinner at a restaurant where Harry works (uninspired Italian stuff) and saw the best name for a 70s band ever ; Disco - in - Kernow. With that sense of creativity, they must rock!
Went to the local pub which scared me a bit. Much like any pub in any small village or town anywhere really. Everyone knows each other, the boys are all psyching each other out in that alpha male way and the girls are judging each other. As I don't realy hang out with girls, I forget how judgemental and bitchy girls really are of each other. I blame Victoria Beckham.

Next day we went to Newquay where they were having a big surf competition (not that there were many waves to surf on). Had a nice walk along the beach and laughed at the Nuts magazine birds in bikinis type competition (all generic, no oomph).

Back for a BBQ where I felt extremely old. Around 25 people in all and all 21 or under. Found it difficult to get on any level with a bunch of screeching 19 year old girls until I drank loads of booze and changed the lyrics of every song being played to involve the term ‘Man Juice’. Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ will never be the same again.

Few of the girls became rather pukey after they’d hit their screeching peek. Amy had managed to spew and fall asleep in it. Only noticed when she was waving her arm around and it was covered in sick.

Bit of a broo ha ha over where everyone was sleeping as the bed that Dan and I were sharing was taken over by drunk teenage girls but ended up on the sofa watching Dan sleep as he was having problems breathing and hadn’t brought his inhaler. That’s as far as being maternal gets with me.

Sunday woke to a big mess and went to the beach Treyamon while others hung around Wadebridge. (I don’t see the point of travelling down to one of the prettiest parts of the UK and walking around a small town on a Sunday personally). Much better than Newquay (over rated tourist chav trap) and huge waves. Thought I was going to drown at one point as they were so strong. Had a little walk over to Constantine beach next door. So pretty. I love England.

Came back with a bit of a sunburn and sand everywhere but a very nice weekend away.

Can’t afford to go anywhere else at the moment, as much as I’d like. Hoping to go away for my 30th at the end of the year (28th December) but not sure whether to have a party of go away. Would rather be out of the country and get shit faced somewhere for it, but only if I can get some chilled, stress free people to go with.

Wednesday, I popped into Trannyshack (or Trannyshock or Fannyshack as I've taken to call it) to do a little ditty (cover of Smash Up Derby’s ‘Sweet Nation Dreams‘).
Ended up kicking a very pissed straight Sloane wannabee who was pissing everyone off on stage. Told her 'that'll teach you to fuck with Trannys dear'. That got a big cheer.

Only four performed (rather than last time I performed where the show just went on and on…) Suppositori Spelling rocked out (not with her cock out, that was for backstage) Ritzy Crackers did ‘Wig in a box’ from Hedwig (learn the lyrics gurrrl!!) and Jennie Dee (I think) who was basically a man in a bikini doing Cliff’s Summer Holiday. As I said to Dusty, “Now that’s avant guard”. Only thing it could be really. Bless.

Some very young queens loitering backstage going on about 'throwing shade' and being 'read'. Think they've been gnawing at the drag cliche book. Came in and said hello to everyone but blanked me. Oh forgive me for not having a knob!

Had a boogie down with Mika Doll (who has declared me her Holey mother), watched the lovely Lusty Lloyd (I've taken to calling her Lusty instead of Lady) struggle with some nuts and pliéd with Stefán to Whitney Huston with make up smeared all over my face.

Some fucked up bloke said I was soooo professional and that he wanted to book me for an event he was doing. Yeah, I believe that when it happens.
Forgive my pessimism but if had a mere penny for every time I was told people were going to book me for this and that, send me to Japan, North and South America and all over Europe, record with international producers etc.. well I could buy myself a pretty decent holiday.

Ciao for now bitches


P.S. As some fecking fecker stole my camera in Cargo last month, the pics on here were taken with my new Nokia 6280 phone. No bad eh?

P.P.S. August 25th. Put it in yer diary. Pirate-All hands on deck with a DJ set from Altern8, Pirate Soundsystem, Poj Masta, Warboy, Baby Clyde and Me on hosting duties. OH FUCK YES!
For now, heres a pirate thing I found in a little church

Fuck them and thier law


I’m loving the London but damn its hot! Hasn’t been this in hot in the UK since the time my Mother was pregnant with me during the summer of 1976. Might explain my 0-100 temper that sneaks out sometimes and that I sweat ridiculous amounts in all weathers. Maybe.

So after a hilarious session with a guy who I had to interrogate and torture (he said after that I was very convincing and scary. I aim to please) popped to Cargo with Richie of Diskoboxx for The Remix night. Space Cowboy did a live set (bit disappointing to be honest) and some fucker stole my digital camera. Took one photo of the band (well more of the visuals above them) and one of Rich and Rob Idiotech. Went to get it out of my bag and gone. I hope the fuckers get scratched to death by squirrels. Or chickens.

Remained quite calm for a while before becoming angry. Rich suggested we go to the rave that was going on nearby to cheer me up.

Cornered the street to see Dan and Jools who told us it had been raided by the police after just one hour. Grrrr. Bloody criminal justice act blah blah. Bit silly to have an illegal in the middle of Shoreditch really and the fact that tickets were available through ticketweb is like an open invitation to the authorities. But still.....baaaah.

Yeah its not going to be like it was ‘back in the day’ and I hate the term ‘neu rave’ (much like I dislike the term ‘mash-up) but I’m pretty chuffed there is a rave revival going on at the moment. So what if the Barleys have gotten in on the act and the much vilified by gybo band The Klaxtons have done a cover of ’The Bouncer’ (which personally I don’t have a major problem with. Was thinking of covering Human Resources ’Dominator’ (how apt) myself ).

I’m old enough to have gone to a few raves while still at school and old rave and happy hardcore (Not the ‘Bonkers’ toy town rave) is something I still listen to quite a lot.

I’m stick to the tonsils of yet another dreary boy band with guitars (can’t bear to listen to XFM much as its always The bloody Feeling, Razorlight or Kooks etc. Yawn) and house music has become so commercial and repetitively dull to the point of nausea. There must be new things to discover out there in music but I guess well shall have to keep referring to the past until it is discovered.

After running around pretty hyper from having the camera stolen and the rave being called off within 30 minutes within each other meant I needed to get high/have sex or dance my ass off.

Walked to where the police were shutting everything down and saw Jody and his brother Bayo (Baby Clyde) sitting on the floor doing a peaceful protest. Joined them for a rousing chorus of The Golden Girls theme tune, The Reynolds Girls’ ‘I’d rather Jack’ and a bit of ‘I Will Survive’. Made the coppers laugh anyway.

After a big to-do about what to do and a sneaky spliff (and watching more fighting and police carnage on Shoreditch High Street) had a beer in El Paso and went and sat in Hoxton Square. (Seems pointless to lock the gates when the place is packed with people who have just climbed over anyway.)

Were approached by some chav types if we watched any party prescriptions. Very dubious but at the price they were being offered, seemed rude to say no. So sat around the park till around 5 until retiring back to my place with Don and Rich till around 9 in the morning.

Sunday I had planned to have a BBQ at my gaf which went tits up so Dan and I had a nice meal down Broadway Market (Mediterranean place. Good food, good price, crap service) and an ice cream in the park.

Tuesday I met my good buddy Chris in Soho Square for a few drinkies before going to Too2 Much (Way Too Much more like. £14 for two vodka and cokes!) to see a reformed Culture Club with Chris (backing singer in Paleday, going under the name ‘Sam’) taking the place of Boy George.

Big shoes to fill but pulled it off very well and put on a good show plus he’s already got that gender bending thing down already. Love it. Only (*cough*) celebrity there was Henry Kelly (best known for Going for Gold-what a great show that was) who said to Chris “You were great, whatever you are”. Charming.

After we met Shane, Paul and Jason on the wall for more booze outside the church in Soho to abuse people walking past. Like overly pumped and tanned muscle fairies, a girl with bad weave having a hissy fit over dropping her phone, a beggar who called me a ‘ray-shall-ist’ for saying I wasn’t going to give him any money as his trainers were more expensive than mine (I’m also a Radishist too. Fucking Radishes.) and random queens flouncing around in the Soho heat.

Went back to Chris’ house for more vodka and lots of rounds of the card game Shithead. Silly fun.

Came back to the house with a drunk flatmate, three very pissed Brazilian blokes and a toilet floor covered with piss. Classy.

Got a call from a production company who are filming a Masterbationathon in the UK and if I fancied being a part of it. Said I’d be up for being interviewed as I fully endorse that kind of thing but not so in being filmed having a fiddle on camera.

I’m no prude but I’ve always been very careful about having any pictures of me in uncompromising situations. Its something I’ve also thought would haunt me later in life whatever I end up doing.

OK I’ve appeared in a BDSM film where I beat up a young Hungarian chap and fucked him in the bum (which I’ve still yet to see) and done stills for a book about Viennese Dominatrix (Traum Frauen by Andres Urban which means Dream Woman. Indeed.) but nobody saw any pink bits, top or bottom. Not that anyone would be interested in seeing me in the altogether anyway (shudder).

Off to Italy this weekend for a fashion show in a castle. Did a similar show in Austria and I felt for the poor makeup artists who had spent ages doing beautiful eye makeup, only for them to be covered with sunglasses.

This is also a sunglasses show with me running around being noisy on the M I C.

The company has jiggled the flights around so I’ll be staying on for two extra days in Venice to have a little adventure. Eat ice cream and stare at Latin girls swanning around. Yum.

Following week I’m off to Cornwall for a few days with the kids, Harry, Dan and Nikki. I imagine I’ll come back with a big hangover with them pesky brats.

Should be back online soon too. Friggin hope so. The blokes who run this net café are proper pervy fucks.

Cheers queers


George Michael - An Easier Affair

Ooh hark at me! All attitiude and hair. Yep, here's me in the George Michael video 'An Easier Affair' pulling some silly faces. CLICKY THIS LINKY for the video.

MINTY - Its a game Pt 2 (Download)

MINTY 2006 (L-R Richard Torry, me being haughty and Mathew Glamorr)

For MINTY info go here
For direct download of tracks go here

Gay Christmas, Minty and adios Starsky

Cor blimey guv, London is a hot bed of activity at the moment pour moi.

The gig at the crappy place I don’t really care about got cancelled (incompetent maybe, time wasting definitely) and though the cash would have been nice, I don’t like being fannyed around so fuck it.

Popped along to my old college’s graduate show behind the OXO Tower. Seemed a little too ambitious and expensive a location to pull passing trade and industry folk in. Plus while there were a few good bodies of work, it still had the repetition of landscapes and biography. I think they learned not to take on art types like me since my three years of BDSM, bum holes, sexuality, gender and nonsense. Hawhawhaw. I revel in being the black sheep .

Also had a good natter with one of my mentors, John Donaldson. We met the previous night and pondered what Sarah Barnes is up to now (worth pointing out that both John and Sarah were contextual studies lecturers. I honesty don’t think I’d be doing the stuff I’m doing now if it weren’t for them opening my mind. But it means I can never switch my bloody brain off to analysing advertising, modern media and art).

Interestingly, Sarah and I had a huge argument in my second year at Blackpool where it felt like it would end in a slapping match. We cleared things up and she became a mentor and mate. Cheers to you Ms Barnes wherever you may be.

That weekend was Euro Pride which I like to call Gay Christmas. First met up at Colins flat and then joined a party at Positive Futures (UK coalition for people living with HIV and AIDS) (www.e-pif.org.uk) where I was asked to remove my fake tits with the word ‘Queer’ written over them in marker as it might offend someone. PC gone mad. I dutifully removed the offending items and was then told to watch out for their float on the parade as it would feature men in tiny thongs and harnesses. Bit of a contradiction there me thinks.

We sipped Pims in the sun, waved at the gay service men and women and cackled at truly hideous drag .

On to Soho Square for a boogie. Got rather bored quickly as the DJ couldn’t mix for shit and was playing quite dull music so we trundled off to Old Compton Street where things became rather messy where one of our party kept shovelling K up his nose (which ran straight back out) and consequently fall off the tables he was dancing on, another nearly started a fight with a bunch of tarts selling pink cowboy hats (oh the capitalisation of the pink pound!) and then flashed her tits at the pastel wearing straight folk over at Mary Poppins and I got my fake knockers continually squeezed by men, women and children.

Ended up staying there for the rest of the day (where I kept running in and out of the bar to check on the football.) and was the funniest and fun Prides ever.

Stick yer commercial park Pride events up yer hoop. Having it around Soho is far more fun. The DJ played Stevie V - Dirty Cash followed up with Technotronic - Pump up the jam and the whole street went chicken oriental. Unfortunately some girl came on and it all went a bit down tempo and parp.
Know. Your. Audience. If they are rocking out and screaming out for classics, probably best to give them what they want.

I don’t think I’ve been that battered in ages. I ended up laughing at a postcard of Princess Diana on Greek Street as she had a green head. Well she did through my eyes.

Had to return to Colins for a bit to chill out as I was expected across town for Daves final night out on the tiles. Calmed down a bit but was still pretty wired when I met everyone at La Perla (for cocktails not lingerie) in Covent Garden. Dave had some tart hanging off him who he’d met online who seemed to know quite a bit about me despite Dave not mentioning Holestar to her. Bloody myspace. We dubbed her ‘Paris’. Parasite probably more appropriate.
Doing my head in a large fashion but soon fucked off when she wasn’t getting enough attention. Shame that.

All went to Button Down Disco which was sweaty fun. Still pretty pickled, danced to some pretty ace trash pop and oddly became quite randy and wanted to do rude things to someone who I adore as a friend (sorry for freaking you out mate ;-) PHOTOS HERE

Sunday, met Dave, Dan and Amy (who is 19 going on 50. One of these people who seems to look at life through pessimistic and dark sunglasses. Nice enough girl but doesn’t seem to enjoy being young) in Barley Land (or Hoxton Square to give it its actual name). Few beers, went for Vietnamese and a few more beers with Rich and Tom.

Didn’t cry saying goodbye to Dave but was pretty miserable during the week. Half come down, half loosing one of my best buddies. I know he’ll be popping back but it really isn’t the same. My kidneys will probably thank him for his departure though.

Monday was a gig at The Spitz. After John’s band pulled out and another band did, I ended up being the headliner to a bunch of acoustic stuff..

I have the utmost respect for anyone who gets up on stage and does their thing live but I really can’t stand to hear middle England, middle class boys or girls singing about the hardships of being on Route 66 or yet another love lost. Each to their own but to my ears, its generic parp.

Was nice to have a few chums from Blackpool turn up and that they were surprised by my performance. See, I do kick arse when I want to.

Thursday unfortunately was the final Bastard at The Asylum as it has had too many problems and has had to close. It’s the small, intimate, grimy, sweaty little place that makes Bastard what it is. The ones at 93 Feet East are OK but it really isn’t the same where the ‘randoms’ outnumber the gybo collective.

I ended up putting up Jimmi Jammes who came all the way over from Chile to play for the night after going to the naughty bar on Hanway Street. When Mark told him to play one more track, a few of us went up and told him to play the best track he had (preferably a big ol’ boot like Freelance Hell raisers ’A Stroke of Genius’). Unfortunately he put on the worst record he had played all night after a great set.

Mike Cartel ended up putting on the final tune which was Josh Consoles ‘Bastard 97 made me do it’.
Mark the owner killed it half way through saying ‘I said one more, that’s about 5 different songs’. We all screamed that that was the whole point. Hadn’t he been listening to any of the music being played over the last four years?

A shame Bastard is over at The Asylum but what a way to go out. RIP.

Bastard 101 was at 93 Feet East. Tom played a stormer (this guy is going to be big if he gets the right breaks) and my baby Josh Console (who is the future of music. I keep banging on about it but he has the talent, sense of humour and enthusiasm for new things that will make him a star. Just hope he doesn’t become an arse hole or get fucked over by the industry) finished off the night in style (turning it all the way up to 11 at one point which was a bit noisy).

Sly beer at Troy (which seems to be the regular post 93 Feet East bar) but didn’t stop around long as they were playing free jazz which is rather irritating. It seems to be a battle for who can play their instruments the loudest and the obligatory solo. When I was younger, I often fancied playing the saxophone, now it goes right through me. Urgh.

Saturday was the first performance of the first MINTY track in ten years; It’s A Game-Part 2 at Kashpoint (bit of a stress with outfit and getting the track in time to learn it). The venue, Area in Vauxhall (I didn’t really like it to be honest. Ceiling too high, stage obstructed by the stairs which it is part of, and never managed to get the atmosphere going despite the friendly vibe and some ace music).

Show itself was OK. The sound engineer was a bit rubbish by putting the wrong track on (those who know me well know my frustration with crap sound engineers. I’m sure good ones exist. Somewhere.) and the crowd were a bit flat. VIDEO

Don and Josh of Pirate Soundsystem and Dan came along to boogie (Josh and Don looking fetching in their frocks-I love straight boys in dresses) and had a pretty good night I believe.
Best part of the night was running into the small room where Golf Sale were playing my funeral song ‘Bizarre Inc - Playing with Knives’ (I want them crying and raving in the aisles) followed by ace pop parp.
Mariah Carreys ‘All I want for Christmas is you’ had Josh and Dan on the stage having it large and were joined onstage with a guy who made my video piece ‘All I want for Kashpoint is You’ the Beadle-esque piece it is. CLICKY THIS

I had a snog with a girl who was quite hilarious but a fucking pussy tease. After all her bullshit about having a shag in the loo, soon as we got there she gave it all ‘oh no don’t do that’. Minge teasing bastard. Can’t stand girls who do that to men, even worse when they do it to me. Cnuts.
Was apologetic after but told her I don’t like playing games. She said she was a bitch, I told her I was a bigger bitch and I don’t like bullshit so bye bye.

Basically the Minty track features samples from this years Big Brother (particularly Nikki screeching and Pete beat boxing) and me wailing over the top of. And is available to download HERE

Was quite surprised when Mathew Glamorre called to ask if I wanted to be on the new Minty track to be honest. Didn’t take long to say yes.
Leigh Bowery is a huge inspiration to me and many other queer gender benders and his innovative art and fashion is still very much evident in the klub kids of Kashpoint. Who is there now? There are quite a few people who could be regarded stalwarts of the alternative scene but there is nobody to me who really stands out above it all. There are people I admire but nobody I really look up to.

If I had to list key inspirations it would be John Waters, Divine, Leigh Bowery, Cindy Sherman, Annie Sprinkle, Bruce Nauman, Jeff Koons, Madonna, The Prodigy and The KLF.

But then again, I don’t aspire to be like anyone, just quite happily carving out a niche for myself in the space in-between where I seem to be. Rejected by the super commercial, rejected by the desperately avant guarde - not in any “cool” gang, . Between genders, sexuality, music and art with a sense of humour. I may flit between the two but I’m quite chuffed about how things are going at the moment (though being paid would be a bonus.)

I’ve already had a few people bitching about my involvement with Minty and franky, don’t give a crap. Yes I’m a solo artist but it is merely a collaboration and that is something I will continue to do. Some people have too much time on their hands to bitch about trivial matters that have nothing to do with them. I’m not interested in petty bitching fights. Each to their own I say.

Sunday had a meeting with Don and Josh about Pirate. There will be an ace party or two coming your way soon should you be up for a proper knees and dressing up. Yaaar, believe the hype.

The following week I did a ditty for Dusty Os 40th Birthday bash at Trannyshack. Were quite a lot of people on the bill. Some couldn’t do with playing just one track and did 2,3 or 4. The show lasted 2 hours in all and was obvious that the crowd were getting quite tired. Had a Tranny chaser follow me around after. Probably though I was a bloke. Oh dear. Photos here

Since then did a Minty photo shoot with the lovely Paul Morgan for the PR stuff, seen a few clients (Military scenes seem to be very popular at the moment-luckily I’m very good at the role play) and spending a small fortune at internet cafes as the mad bitch downstairs finally decided that I couldn’t use her internet (despite her saying yes no problem many a time, my offering her money for it and getting a router). Said it was an omen and not meant to be. Eh? Wish the lunatic had told me when I first moved in. She now doesn’t speak to me or Angela in the house. Refuses to do any of the cleaning, buy bog roll and keeps using my toiletries. Twat.

Off to MC at a fashion show in Italy next week (with someone I used to shows with in Austria. Nice people but not very organised.) Fly into Venice and would have been nice to have stayed a few days but they’ve booked me to fly right out-bah.

Here is a direct link to me in that George Michael video, all hair and attitude.

In the meantime, download the Minty tune (Pirate Soundsystem mix coming very soon and it will bit the shit I know it) and have an ice cream.

Holestar Birthday BBQ Boogaloo Bonanza

Hot digidy damn. Saturday was my birthday BBQ boogaloo bonanza. My actual birthday is 28th December (shite shite shite) so have decided to throw myself an official one six months later in the year to strike up a decent balance. And I’m pretty sure that is was better than the queens childrens party panto sorry affair. (Most hilarious way to get through a come down.)

My specifics on the invite were no numpties or drama and that’s what I got (though there were a few knob ends but there are always those who slip through the net).

People started to arrive about 3 and was a steady stream throughout the day with Josh finally arriving around midnight.
I got my head down on the decks (thanking you kindly Mattcat) and span some boots and old ravey flavours (and to be honest, because a kid turned up which freaked me out a bit. I don’t really want kids around when I intend to get trolleyed and swear like a nun.). Dan did a top job on the BBQ and though there were different people from different groups, everyone got on and no drama or conflicts thank fuck.

I had some rather interesting gifts; A basket of flowers from Dan (and an unsigned card with googly eyes), Holestar socks from Harry (with Holestar written backwards), Pat Butcher type jewellery from Josh and one of the greatest presents in the history of gifts: Shut up and dance - Raving I’m Raving on 7”. Woot!

Hadn’t intended to get on the ‘Benny Hill’s’ but it was my party and I‘ll get high if I want to. Took me quite a while to get going but when I was there twas top bananna. Until I chucked up my ring at the bottom of the garden. Classy.
Well Dan said it wouldn’t be a proper party unless the hostess puked at her own bash. Quite right.

There was a bit of male on male action going on which was alarmingly quite saucy and I forgot how annoying drunk people are when you’re battered and they are rolling around being pissed and obnoxious (note to self).

We were treated to a Pirate Soundsystem set with Don and Josh (watch this space, these boys are going to go far. FACT.). And I will be hosting at their next shin dig: Pirate 2 - Bring Back Frank Butcher.
I’ll be donning a Pat look for the evening.

All in all, a top day and night had by all I believe. No complaints from the neighbors (though we were pretty darn loud) and the only damage was done to a few brain cells and a cupboard door in the kitchen coming off its hinges.
So a few people didn’t turn up. You snooze, you loose.

Hot photo action with wigs, my strap on and other malarkey here and here.

Finally kicked out the last guest at 8am and a bit of a kip before clearing up the carnage and watching football in the garden (What a lame game. Cracking goal from Golden Knackers though.) and having another BBQ with the remains of the day.

Was asked several times when I was next having a party, intend on having another bash later in the summer (having a big garden and not using it is a bit rude.)

Was supposed to have a gig this week but quite wankily got cancelled (not one I’m all that bothered with pursuing to be honest. Not my kind of club or people) and next week will be the 1001 deg North at The Spitz.

I recorded the vocals on Thursday for something that has made me quite excited to be a part of. Can’t really blab about it yet but it’s going to be the first tune from a rather credible ‘group’ in 10 years.

I hope to be online soon. Going to the internet café on a regular basis to sort my life out is frustrating as watching the advert that starts ‘Is your man one of the one in ten men with an erection problem’.

Oh and Big Brother. I’ve been sucked into its vacuous hole. I’m actually studying it and doing a lot of research on celebrity and reality culture for my Fine Art Masters. I got a call last week asking if I wanted to go on ‘Trisha’. The ‘plot’ was ‘Guess what Dad, I’m a Tranny’. She does her patronising bit, I come out in drag, father’s reaction and then they drag up dad for the finale. Classy eh?

I’m guessing they didn’t know I’m actually a chick and lord knows how they found out about me.
I told the researcher no because 1) My parents know, 2) I actually have a bit of dignity left and 3) I didn’t want to sell my soul to daytime TV. Especially not car crash Trisha.
I would do it, but only if I could direct it to my advantage and make it into a performance piece with a fake Dad (my father would look shocking in a frock anyway) but that is very unlikely.

I’m really not desperate for that kind of exposure. A lot of people have said I’d be a good contestant on Big Brother as even at 29, I’ve had a pretty interesting life and speak my mind. I wouldn’t last five minutes in there, especially with the lot that are in there at the moment.

So desperate to have their moment in the light for not actually doing anything but be on TV. Watching Friday nights Lisa eviction (now that’s a girl who can swear), it was amazing how as soon as she’d left the house, she posed for the cameras like a pro despite being an actual nobody.

Lap it all up baby because no one will have a clue or care who you are in six months. Do these people not see how previous house mates have crashed and burned upon leaving the house?
The ‘Golden Ticket Winner’ Suzy is so desperate for fame, that her husband apparently bought £4000 worth of promotional Kit Kats so she could have a chance of entering the house, mirroring Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
She is quite rich so doesn’t need the cash but clearly desperate for attention and lacking in other areas. She has very little in common with the others, won’t drink the cheap wine the other house mates are given, has huge knockers that ridicule her frame and is quite dull. Probably quite a pleasant person, just 0 entertainment value.

Now Nikki. She’s my girl. I despised her character at first but now find her the most entertaining thing about the show. Her tantrums and the way she uses language is ingenious (‘Why is she sucking the bum‘? ‘Whatever tickles your pickle’ ‘I’m not sucking arse holes’) There has never been such an extreme character, fictional or otherwise on our screens. When she’s not in a rage about some innocuous matter, she’s quite dull but when she lets fly it‘s pure sacrificial entertainment.

In the past, many would attend public executions. Big Brother and reality TV is the modern day equivalent.
Car crash amusement. You know you shouldn’t be watching, but morbid curiosity means you just can’t help looking.

Not going to go into the ‘star with talent’ versus ‘celebrity’ culture thing. Got to save something for the thesis. (Though finding enough credible research resources on the subject is pretty tough).

This net café currently smells of dried spunk and B.O. Delightful non?


George Michael and bitchy women (Gah!)

Ended up to see some dire gay play in the west end with Colin and a few others a while back.

Can’t remember the name but it had something to do with Dorothy. Despite using every gay cliché in the book and pretty primary school feel to the whole thing, it was throwaway nonsense with a few mildly amusing bits. Just glad I didn’t pay to see it.

Later that week I had a call from my (so far a bit pointless) agent.
Did I want to be in George Michaels new video? Erm …aye.

So Friday morning, full drag at Pineapple Studios in Covent Garden. Lady (Lusty) Lloyd (Trannyshacks door slut) was there, burlesque performers, dancers and a whole menagerie of drag queens who looked like they’d just stepped off a Pride float (looking good but generic glittery drag really).
Had to shimmy and pout at the camera for a bit and that was it.
Was told if I wasn’t called at 6 that evening, I hadn’t got it.

No call so went out on the sauce to 93 Feet East for the World Cup opener with the Cartel boys behind Bastard and a few bands (The Blood Arm were pretty good. Great front man-larked around on the speakers like a fool. That’s what I want to see in the lead, entertain me!).

Lenlow and Kenlow were over from the States, the E-Jitz boys were down from Aberdeen and was pretty much a who’s who of the mong board (my beloved GYBO). I drank way too much vodka and despite a few niggles with silly things, was a great night all-round. PICS

Saturday was England’s first World Cup match. Now since I left the Army, I’ve not had much of an interest in pig ball. Only reason I ever did when I was in was there was bugger all else to do at the weekend but drink beer and watch football. I don’t really support any team (though have very vaguely supported Liverpool since I was 7 for some odd reason) except England.

I woke with a hangover and a call from my (vague) agent saying that I was actually a maybe for the George Michael video and they had spent so long casting, hence no call.
Just had to wait for an OK from Mr Michael and I was in but still a maybe.

Jo Zephyr had a BBQ at her house for the occasion where we all wore hats. Because hats are always a good thing. I had a Viking horn affair but my personal favourite being Jools MF rocking a cute sparkly red pill box hat. Work it! (PHOTOS)

I wasn’t drinking as I was a bit shaky from the previous night and probably a good idea as in the evening I had a call saying I had got the job and had to be in Acton at 8am. On a Sunday.

Arrived on time (a first I think) and at first, nobody seemed to know what was going on so was whisked from wardrobe, makeup, hair, makeup and wardrobe again. There were only 20 extras in all and rather than just a disco background shot, we all had our own routines on a big Hype Williams style black n blingin stage.

I was very surprised they chose me as there were loads of Trannys at audition and I was the only one selected. Maybe because I’m the Tranny without that little bit extra.

Most people there were dancers, some from Paris, one gal from L.A. Valeria Dragova (real name too) is a fierce, gorgeous burlesque ballet performer, Juliet and Derek who were ace androgynous models, Polly who does the VIP at Heaven and has been on the scene for years, some fantastically fabulous dancers and simply everyone there in the cast and crew were professionals at the top of their game and everyone got on really well.

The most interesting characters and a genius piece of casting were two old twins from Paris with bright ginger hair who were as spooky as The Shinning twins. Didn’t speak to anyone and practised their routine endlessly. I suggested we run a book to guess their age and if either had ever had sex. Always in synch, same clothes, same gestures. Constantly in conspiracy whispering to each other.

George turned up at one point though his part of the shoot was on Monday. Very casual, no fanfare and seemed like a chilled guy. Looking pretty good too. Didn’t get to speak to him but nodded to each other while sat in a chair waiting to go on stage. Was wearing slightly dirty trainers too which is refreshing to see.

When his wardrobe turned up, my goodness. The makeup artist (Billy, ace woman) and I sat watching agog when a van full of Barneys of New York, Paul Smith, Selfridges, Harvey Nicks etc gear being carted in just for Mr Michael. How the other half live eh?

They had me in a big wig, tuxedo, corset and cane ensemble which looked fierce but had me sweating like a fat heifer in a marathon. In heels.

Had to do a routine which had me grabbing my boobs, twirling the cane around and generally being slutty and bitchy. Not so hard to work. Hardest part was strutting on the stage in stripper slutty heels on the stage which was like a big black mirror.

After we’d all done our routines (some in pairs, others solo) we had a group shot of us all swinging our hand in the air like we just didn’t care (Jake the Directors words were something on the lines of “You are blissed out on Ecstasy, it’s running through your veins”. That was probably the toughest part of the shoot with all 20 of us on stage, squished together under hot lights.
Some people were whinging about the time and their heels hurting but I tried to stay pro and positive. Showbiz doesn’t run on a 9-5 basis and my god, how boring it would be if it was.

All in all, was there for almost 17 hours but it was a great day and very humbling to be around such talented and nice people. Just hope I get in the final cut somewhere. Have no idea when it’ll be out but it should look bangin’. Shame the song has little in the way of a chorus or hook (sorry George!)

Had a nice chilled out day with Dave on the Monday (gutted I missed the Sunday Brick Lane and DTPM wrongness the night before) and still trying to sort out the internet thing with the girl downstairs who seems to have a problem communicating with people in a reasonable manner.

I’m learning tolerance that I never knew I had. Having lived on my own for about 13 years, I’m used to doing things my own way and only now learning to deal with other peoples habits and behaviour. Still confirms to me that I hate living with women. The fact they don’t communicate with each other in a civil manner is winding me up and have told them both I’m not interested in their petty squabbles and that they should have the guts to say things to each others faces instead of tittle tattling behind each others backs. Bloody bitchy women.

Not sure why I have always got on better with men both hetro and homo. Just prefer male company to female. Less bullshit, more straight forward and direct, problems get sorted out quicker and generally more fun.

This Saturday was a BBQ at Jools’ house in Stoke Newington. Despite a conversation about people never seeing me pissed (as I’m usually sick if I drink too much so like to stay on the fun side of tipsy) I got quite a bit wobbly (might have had something to do with the spliffage too though). Big Fun. PHOTOS

Sunday was another chilled one with Dave who is leaving in a few weeks to move to Aberdeen who I’m going to miss a hell of a lot (as well he knows.)

Next Saturday is my official Birthday Booze Up Bonanza. Sod it, if the queen can have one, why can’t I? It amazes me that someone so rich can look like she’s still going to Sue Ryder for her frocks and bags.

If anyone I haven’t invited who fancies a day of debauchery in my back garden (no that’s not a synonym for something else), send a PM or such like.
The theme is come as me (in my glamorous or kinky guise, not my day to day butchness).

Got a few gigs coming up but nothing major yet.
Have already started research for my Fine Art Masters and have some top ideas but need some funding for equipment which is proving tricky.

Until next time kittens remember, Many a muckle makes a muckle.