Cocks, Singapore and Pirates

In the past two weeks I have;

Been on a casting for an ad shot by Rankin (didn’t get it, All the models were so twiggy it made Nicole Richie look like a porker.)

Been asked to do a cover of Joy Divisions ’Love will tear us apart’ in the style of Infernal’s ’From Paris to Berlin’. (Knowing that any shred of credibility I have will be shot to shit if I do this, I’ve decided not to.)

Recorded my track (E-Jitz - Two Magdelane Fuckers) for the Trannyshack album.

Attended a slave party and beat my previous record of putting 47 clothes pegs on a mans balls. I can now do 60 and probably more.

Smoked some hippy solids from a strange little pipe, danced to Huey Lewis and the News in a garage and seen the ghost of John Peel.

Been offered a three or six month contract to perform in Singapore at some swanky hotel. (Might do it for a month but any more would probably drive me crazy. I don't dig routine)

PRed my bum off for Pirate:All Hands on Decks which has now become Pirate: Surrender the Booty (don’t ask, just get down! It’s free and going to rawk!)

And been asked to cut a man’s willy off by a bloke from Switzerland

Hello Miss
Can you cut my penis with a knife till it will bleed so correctly (or castrate )?? I would travel and pay or work for you a longer time for that if you can do it that for me please, i hope to hear from you soon thanks !!
Greeting B*****

I'm thinking no.


Pirate : Surrender the Booty

Kick off the Bank Holiday weekend with a FREE yes FREE boom-bang-a-bang with Pirate : Surrender the Booty.

OldSkool Rave! Booty bass! Grime! Breaks! Shove it all through a pop music compressor and turn the speakers to 11. Pirate is a new breed of party - a million miles from ultra-fashionable, minimalist, take-you-on-a-journey clubnights - instead taking inspiration from oldskool warehouse raves, pogo-punk parties and yer mums dressing up box.
This time we bring you a line-up that smashes boundaries between oldskool, newskool and playskool.

Your aural entertainers for the night;

Pirate Soundsystem



Poj Masta



Hosted by


Pirate : Surrender the Booty

25 August 2006

Purple Turtle

61-65 Crowndale Road Camden London NW1 1TN

2000 till 0300


(Donations on the door welcome)

Did I mention it's FREE!!
214 Bus goes from Old Street

Venice, Cornwall and Trannyshock

Well that’s my summer holidays over. Just had two rather pleasant weekends away in Italy and Cornwall. Hardly jet setting I grant you but it’s as good as it gets for me at the moment.

First up, was booked for a gig near Udine, Italy (about 90k north of Venice) for the company Coco Song (new Italian sunglasses company) for a fashion show as singing MC.
Up at 4 to get a taxi (driver drove like my Mum; all over the place and hogged the middle lane on the motorway) to fly to Venice. Arrived fine and had to go to the other airport to pick up other people and wait for a few hours-painful.

Arrived at the very nice Hotel Clocchiatti (bed could have easily slept four and the bath was the deepest I’d ever seen.) and went for a trundle around Udine. Amazed that such a small and quiet town would have a Fendi, Gucci etc well it is Italy. I guess it’s like New Look to them.

Was picked up by one of the models to go to location, big ol Villa Caiselli in
Cortello (in a car he clearly didn’t know how to drive, shunted every time he changed gear). Nice to see Andy Anderson again. Absolutely stunning location. Lord knows how much it was costing them as there were international clients, string quartet, band, me, DJ and models, free booze and food all night etc.

Wasn’t told previously that I’d be sharing a stage with MC Spot. I think I’ve mentioned him before. Nice enough guy but his skills as an MC leave a lot to be desired and are rather dated. There are only so many times you can say ‘Yeah yeah yeah c’mon. Put your hands in tha air’and do the robot without a hint of irony. Yes THE robot. And apparently this has been his act for 10 years. Ach them Austrians with their keep to what we know rather than try anything new.

Had dinner with Andy and some of the models (all very sweet and cute but rather dizzy).
Show was ok considering it was a bit of a case of too many cooks and nobody really being clear on who was to what when. Not too pleased when I was asked to do a slowish thing and did Peggy Lee’s ‘Fever’ over some downbeat electro track and MC Spot jumped on behind me giving it the ‘yeah yeah yeahs’. Just not what I conjure up when I imagine a slick fashion show; a bald man in cut off trousers and a fun boy t-shirt shouting like a fish monger.

Took ages to get to the bar after so ended up ordering double caipirinhas and mojitos and had sleazy old pissed geezers trying it on. Shudder. Hung out for a while before getting the bus back to the hotel and watch ‘Sexy Italy’.

Hilarious show which is like a wank line, live on tele. The girl hosting was far from sexy and prancing around on the sofa getting her pink bits out. I liked that she was rather feisty with the pervs on the phone but painful to watch her rub her dry minge repeatedly. Owwwch.

Woke up late to the receptionist telling me the taxi was there to take me to Venice. Was dropped off at Mestre and spent a while trying to sort out a hotel that I could afford. Eventually found a decentish one with a shower in Compo Germia for €75 for two nights.

Went for a walk and my, Venice is really like nowhere else. After the initial wow factor, it all started to look similar (oh more canals, bridges and narrow streets) but tried to get lost and found things that nearly made me cry they were so beautiful.

Shopping wise, same masks and coloured glass in every other shop and very expensive Italian labels. So no Primark then.

The Basilica of San Marco is one of the most stunning houses of god (allegedly) I’ve seen. The Vatican has all the bling and gold but this place just blew me away. Dabbed some holy water behind my ears like perfume. Disgruntled a few Catholics but I’m sure God would have approved.

Spent a good few hours in the Museum of Erotic Art (well I would wouldn’t I?) Some great stuff, some meh stuff. Most impressive was Jacques Brissot . Surprised I’d never heard of him before. Stunning montages and use of robots and dolls.

Had one of those moments of chilled relaxed when I had my feet in a canal, drinking a mint flavoured slush puppy with a cigarette, watching rich tourists go by in gondolas while a street string quartet played ‘the hits’. Bliss.

Decided I wanted to eat something Venetian so had pasta and bean soup (nice) polenta and some fish thing (not so) and then for an ice cream while watching a band that was a bit rubbish but has the best stage gimmick I’ve seen and might have to adapt for myself.

Had 1am curfew at hotel (I know!! When I protested at first, was told there was bugger all to do after 11 and that the city goes to sleep then. They weren’t wrong.) so went back to the hotel for a snooze.

Monday started off pretty cloudy but decided to get out of the city as felt I’d covered most of the city previously. Got the lengthy water bus to Venice Lido to sit on the beach, paddle in the Adriatic and look at fit Italian girls boobs. I love sunglasses! Heh!

Took another trek to the lovely island of Burano. Beautiful and quiet little place with colourful houses, block mammas chilling out making lace all connected by cute bridges.

Back on bus to Murano where they make the glass. Bit disappointing so didn’t stay long. Returned to see the best dressed beggar I’ve ever seen outside my hotel. Cheeky twat had his own very swish looking kneeling pad, fine leather shoes and his sports wear by GAP.

Went out for dinner again and had a night walk around the Rialto bridge and St Marcos Square with another ice cream and got followed a bit by an Italian dude, until I spun around and stared at him square in the face.
Got the last bus back to the north of Venice (at 23.25) and found a bar near my hotel (€4.50 for a large beer) and got chatting to a nice couple from England of their honeymoon and a young girl from America. Unfortunately the bloody hotel curfew meant I had to leave when we were talking about drugs, insecure women and police raids.

Really enjoyed my little jaunt around Venice. Spent too much money but was worth it. Had fun on my own but not the kind of place I’d return to alone, would be better with a partner I guess.

Last weekend was down to Cornwall with the kids. Harry opened up her house to a bunch of randoms (her words) and friends. On the train down with Dan, Nikki and Amy, I was thrown off the train at Exeter for trying to get away with a dodgy ticket. Shit my pants good and proper but was luckily just told to buy another ticket from Exeter to Bodmin Parkway. Crime don’t pay kids.

Got down and had dinner at a restaurant where Harry works (uninspired Italian stuff) and saw the best name for a 70s band ever ; Disco - in - Kernow. With that sense of creativity, they must rock!
Went to the local pub which scared me a bit. Much like any pub in any small village or town anywhere really. Everyone knows each other, the boys are all psyching each other out in that alpha male way and the girls are judging each other. As I don't realy hang out with girls, I forget how judgemental and bitchy girls really are of each other. I blame Victoria Beckham.

Next day we went to Newquay where they were having a big surf competition (not that there were many waves to surf on). Had a nice walk along the beach and laughed at the Nuts magazine birds in bikinis type competition (all generic, no oomph).

Back for a BBQ where I felt extremely old. Around 25 people in all and all 21 or under. Found it difficult to get on any level with a bunch of screeching 19 year old girls until I drank loads of booze and changed the lyrics of every song being played to involve the term ‘Man Juice’. Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ will never be the same again.

Few of the girls became rather pukey after they’d hit their screeching peek. Amy had managed to spew and fall asleep in it. Only noticed when she was waving her arm around and it was covered in sick.

Bit of a broo ha ha over where everyone was sleeping as the bed that Dan and I were sharing was taken over by drunk teenage girls but ended up on the sofa watching Dan sleep as he was having problems breathing and hadn’t brought his inhaler. That’s as far as being maternal gets with me.

Sunday woke to a big mess and went to the beach Treyamon while others hung around Wadebridge. (I don’t see the point of travelling down to one of the prettiest parts of the UK and walking around a small town on a Sunday personally). Much better than Newquay (over rated tourist chav trap) and huge waves. Thought I was going to drown at one point as they were so strong. Had a little walk over to Constantine beach next door. So pretty. I love England.

Came back with a bit of a sunburn and sand everywhere but a very nice weekend away.

Can’t afford to go anywhere else at the moment, as much as I’d like. Hoping to go away for my 30th at the end of the year (28th December) but not sure whether to have a party of go away. Would rather be out of the country and get shit faced somewhere for it, but only if I can get some chilled, stress free people to go with.

Wednesday, I popped into Trannyshack (or Trannyshock or Fannyshack as I've taken to call it) to do a little ditty (cover of Smash Up Derby’s ‘Sweet Nation Dreams‘).
Ended up kicking a very pissed straight Sloane wannabee who was pissing everyone off on stage. Told her 'that'll teach you to fuck with Trannys dear'. That got a big cheer.

Only four performed (rather than last time I performed where the show just went on and on…) Suppositori Spelling rocked out (not with her cock out, that was for backstage) Ritzy Crackers did ‘Wig in a box’ from Hedwig (learn the lyrics gurrrl!!) and Jennie Dee (I think) who was basically a man in a bikini doing Cliff’s Summer Holiday. As I said to Dusty, “Now that’s avant guard”. Only thing it could be really. Bless.

Some very young queens loitering backstage going on about 'throwing shade' and being 'read'. Think they've been gnawing at the drag cliche book. Came in and said hello to everyone but blanked me. Oh forgive me for not having a knob!

Had a boogie down with Mika Doll (who has declared me her Holey mother), watched the lovely Lusty Lloyd (I've taken to calling her Lusty instead of Lady) struggle with some nuts and pliéd with Stefán to Whitney Huston with make up smeared all over my face.

Some fucked up bloke said I was soooo professional and that he wanted to book me for an event he was doing. Yeah, I believe that when it happens.
Forgive my pessimism but if had a mere penny for every time I was told people were going to book me for this and that, send me to Japan, North and South America and all over Europe, record with international producers etc.. well I could buy myself a pretty decent holiday.

Ciao for now bitches


P.S. As some fecking fecker stole my camera in Cargo last month, the pics on here were taken with my new Nokia 6280 phone. No bad eh?

P.P.S. August 25th. Put it in yer diary. Pirate-All hands on deck with a DJ set from Altern8, Pirate Soundsystem, Poj Masta, Warboy, Baby Clyde and Me on hosting duties. OH FUCK YES!
For now, heres a pirate thing I found in a little church