Slightly disturbing

Just leaned out my window to have a sneaky fag and saw four kids outside my house, the eldest probably 12, youngest 8 passing a screwdriver and a huge blade between each other.
I thought that kind of thing was invented by the Daily (Cunty) Mail to scare middle class suburbanites.
I blame terrestrial TV for exchanging Saturday morning TV with wank arsed cook shows with hob goblins like Anthony Worrall Thompson.

All You Can Eat at Electrowerkz with the Pirate Soundsystem was good fun but the room we were in had a pretty crapy sound system.
Friday me and the scampy Pirate boys and I did a slot at Kashpoints new residency at The Eve Club (nice venue, expensive booze) which was major fun! We had a pretty filled dance floor throughout while I ran around singing/screaming for people to get their tits out and such like.
Probably best Kashpoint I’ve been to. Some snooty fuckers (I’ve never quite got that ‘I‘ve took ages creating my look so I‘m going to act like a rude cunt’ attitude) but generally a great atmosphere and the kids were having it large.

Just got in from Bastard at 93 Feet East which was a pleasure as always. Went to Ted’s birthday shin dig before, was nice to catch up with guys from my old college. Especially Arthur (fucking loon!) and my boy Paul (it’s been too long Plews as well you know!!)

Off to Turkey tomorrow for the big gay fest. Should be a right hootenanny. Will do my best to try and track down any females in the resort and see if I can get my wicked way with them. Yeah-like that’s going to happen (insert rolly eye smiley).

A few people have mentioned in caution the recent bombings in Istanbul but I’m probably more likely to be bombed here in London. Not going to live in fear and all that.

If there is something on the news about Club Med in Bodrum tell Vienna it meant nothing to me (see Midge Ure), my Mum to give my videos from her attic to The Cats Protection Legue and that I want Bizarre Inc-Playing with Knives (Quadrant Mix) played at my funeral and to those that I love “Je Ne Regrette Rien”.

Hos├ža kalin

Patterned tights...

are just wrong. Unless they're fishnets.

I love being a Dominatrix. It really is a lot of fun (would be more so if I didn’t have to deal with the time wasters). Everyone in my life knows what I do and it’s not something that I have become jaded with. Yet.

Saw a lovely old chap today where I dressed him as a school girl and beat him with a plimsoll. Sweet.

I often get sent requests from slaves who want to be my house boy. I don’t want them in my vanilla life and prefer to keep that world separate.
Here’s a rather amusing one from a young Turkish boy.
I’m going there next week so should hunt him down. Yes thats going to happen.

I, 25, years old, nice, one, young, male, slave, I am sitting down turkey I,
machine, technician work, Your, *Web, page, visit, and, me, a lot of,
influence, All, life, your, slave, toilet, and, prostitute, Become, only,
for_you, work, spend, want, For this , what must I do?I am serious in this
subject I do for you in the prostitution Young, and, beautifull, I will in
the joint send my picture I accept your all rules Beg, me, all, one, life,
Slave, dog, toilet, become, honour, present

Not a bad arse for a Tranny but he could have taken the labels off the soles. Fsss

Love London

Ooh fuck me silly. I get all excited about blogging then dry up again. Lazy fucker that I am. Ok, here’s a run down on what I’ve been up to of late. Because its all about me of course.

Pirate went well up to a point until lots of things went wrong within 10 Minutes. Few dramas we could have done without but had a good booze and boogie after. There will be another one soon. Its going to be huge!!!

Following night went to TDK at Kings Cross which was rather disappointing considering how much cash I spent. Spankrock and Ladytron were good but suffered due to a shit sound system. Atrack great but Simian Mobile Disco tore it up for me-aces. The funky house terrace reminded me how much I hate that genre now and the kind of people it attracts. Vacuous dull folk who are more concerned about looking good and being cool than having a good time. Cack.

Did a number at Trannyshock which is always fun. Happy that the girls there have seemed to accept me and what I do (well the talented lovely ones have. The talent free munters hate me but I don’t give a crap.)
Glendora and I were saying that I’m the ‘Tranny with a Fanny’. Quite like that one.

Hosted Tate Moss in a warehouse near Stratford which was bonkers in a good way. Impressed with Rowdy Superstar, Kat Scratch and Jo Apps. The fabulous and wonderful Patrick Wolf span Black Lace and Whigfield and got me in a right old state. Apparently I was sat on the wall outside screaming that I was a casserole to everyone walking past?! Looking forward top to the next one.

Ended up on the judging panel for Popjustice Pop Tune of the Year at Trash Palace. Unfortunately Hot Chip- Over and Over was being knocked out as I arrived (my fault for being late). Girls Aloud-Biology won in the end (rightly so). Went to Ghetto with Rich and Tom afterwards where we boogied and drank way too much.

Popped to Studio Neon the next day which was fun but way too hot in there. Next day went to see the parents in Hereford. I wanted to do things instead of just sitting in front of the TV so we went fishing (caught nothing but quite enjoyed it-how butch), lunch in Symonds Yat (or Simons Yacht as I like to call it) a walk I the woods (well a roll for my Dad who is wheelchair bound) and a sauna and swim with my Mum. Really enjoyed it despite getting a cold. Always happens when I go to the olds.

Back to London and I went to a fashion party thing at Chinawhites. Clientele largely rich trust fund kids with no style or manners. Was ok but the coked DJ was playing the dreaded funky house so we moved onto Trannyshack. I said to virtually everyone I passed ‘Eeerr you, I’m bringing sexy back’ in a deep Lancashire accent. Where all this eccentricity and bollocks comes from I have no idea.

Fabric on Friday was excellent. Went early to see Duke Dumont (top stuff, one to watch and all that) and danced my arse off a bit too much so early so did my back in a bit. Alan Braxe was ok until he played Stardust and fading down for the chorus. Mmm.
Caught back end of Diplo’s set which was good but it seemed plain wrong to have him in the small room instead of one of the larger ones.
Justice were the highlight of the night and as Rich rightly said ‘Ridiculous‘. Each track getting better and better and they played my favourite tune of the year so far, the Soulwax mix of Robbie Williams - Lovelight (Ravelight Dub). So. So. Good. Need a clean copy.

After little sleep, went to It Came From the Sea at Bardins Boudoir which was ok but its so humid in there with no ventilation and a sucky sound system. Tom, Rich and I were still feeling rough from the previous night but I still ended going back to Jools’ place where there was a party. Had a bit of a mix on the decks, chatted in the kitchen and finally got home about 9. Twat.

Got a pretty busy week coming. Have a few ‘jobs’, having my barnet seen to (they can do what they want to it. I’m going to shave it all off when I loose weight. I said when), enrolling at St Martins for my Fine Art Masters (Fine Art), photo shoot for the cover of New York magazine Gazelland and MC with the Pirate Soundsystem at All You Can Eat and Kashpoint again with the boys on Friday.
Bastard on Saturday and then flying to Bodrum in Turkey for Mistress of Ceremonies action at a gay holiday event (Alternative Holidays). Get a weeks all inclusive holiday so should be fun.

Oooh its all go!!
So glad I moved here.

Audio treats I’m loving at the moment

Robbie Williams - Lovelight (Soulwax Ravelight Dub)
Peaches - Downtown (Simian Mobile Disco Mix)
Sebastian - Ross Ross Ross
Daft Punk - Brainwasher (Erol Alkans Horrorhouse Dub)
Infadels - Love Like Semtex
Girls Aloud - Something Kinda Ooh
Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folk (Beyond the Wizards Sleeve Mix)
Sidney Looper - Rotting Radio Jamz

The Locksmith

I love being a dominatrix. You get to peer behind the bravado and machismo of the male ego at it’s most vulnerable.

I get many an odd email from prospective slaves/time wasters who can’t distinguish between reality and fantasy. Most are the usual ‘I want to grovel at your feet/lick your shoes/please beat me within an inch of my life with no mercy’ type.

This one has really made me smile

Thought you might like to know that I am a locksmith and offer UPVC door and window repair as well as a glazing service. If you ever fancy getting work done and not paying because the man doing it is a worm who lusts after you - then give me a call.

I would post the web address included but I don’t want people emailing and mocking the poor dear.
Shame he lives so far away. Never know when I might get locked out.

Why Don't You Just Switch Off Your Television Set And Go Out And Do Something Less Boring Instead

Children’s TV presenters are commonly known to have an over enthusiastic, keen, bright manner to keep the kids interested and sedated between shows.

Having not watched kids TV for a while, flicked it on to see what the yoof are watching (between knifing grannies, eating crisps and scowling) and was greeted by the most annoying sight and sound I’ve ever seen in kids presenter.

Anne Foy

She makes Timmy Mallet appear positively sombre.

I find myself hitting mute whence comes on, same with Kate “I find it really difficult to speak at a normal volume so will shout all the time just in case you can’t hear me at the back” Thornton.

Anne may be a very nice person (though I have a sneaky suspicion she annoyingly bounces around in that shrill hyper active manner all the time) but her presenting skills physically make me feel nauseous.
Most kids presenters eventually mature into light entertainment (Phillip Schofield, Lenny Henry, Cat Deeley, Andi ‘I fucked up the format of TOTP’ Peters etc etc) but I can’t currently see a future for this girl on prime time, hosting a reality show. I see her future in late night call in quiz shows on satellite.

Another thought of the day.

Karl Howman. He of Brush Strokes fame has done very little in acting since the glory days of the early nighties. ( imdb)
Now he lives for Flash adverts. Now I can understand the company wanting to use a character that the public were familiar with (his cheeky Jacko character in Brush Strokes) but it’s over 15 years since the show was last aired. I guess nobody has noticed.

Google said someone else has. Guardian article

Oh, and whoever invented Scrappy Doo (Scooby Doo's nephew) is a cunt.

I really should get out more.